In honor of Olympic Gold medal winner Evan Lysacek's historic win over Russian pobre cito Evgeni Plushenko, here are some things you might not know about the American star:
-When Evan Lysacek cries, lillies sprout from the earth where his tears land.
-Inexplicably, Evan Lysacek's signature appears on the Declaration of Independence.
-Jim Cameron may digitally recolour the Avatar aliens to more closely resemble Evan Lysacek.
-Evan Lysacek didn't do a quadruple not because he couldn't, but for fear of breaching the space-time continuum.
-Evan Lysacek's skating could cure the sick and raise the dead. It doesn't, due to Evan's close adherence to something called the "Pangalactic Prime Directive."
-Translated from the ancient tongue of his forbears, Evan Lysacek's name means "Vanquisher of Russian DB Crybabies."
-In Japan, Evan Lysacek is known as "Super-Mega Space-Ice Battle Samurai Evanlysacekai."
-Evan Lysacek bartered with the devil at the Crossroads for his skill in ice-skating, but instead of his own soul, he traded that of Johnny Weir.
-The snakes worn on Evan Lysacek's costume during his gold-medal run? Live snakes, kept under submission by special pheramones exuded by an extra organ in his gills. Yes, Lysacek has gills.
-Lysacek originally entered the games as the sole 2010 Olympic representative of the country Lysacekistan, but decided instead to join the U.S. men's skating team when IOC officials determined his entry as a one-man ice hockey team would scare all the other countries out of the competition.
Now you know, and knowing is half the battle. YO JOE!
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